The last year I have gone silent for the most part except for sporadic postings here and there. It wasn’t that I wasn’t able to write. It’s just I wasn’t in a place to write. I didn’t have the animo or rather the will to write or make pretty things.
I was a nomad who was trying desperately to find herself again. I didn’t know what to do with this space. I forgot why I even started it in the first place. I forgot what was it’s purpose and did it match my purpose. Did it match my passions and what I wanted from my fleeting life?
In January, my life imploded. I was alone, pregnant, mom to two school age children, and I had no where to go. My marriage had ended. We were not amicable and I was broken. Because of my pregnancy, I cried all the time. I gained weight and was slowly climbing out of a depression with the help of my mother.
It isn’t easy to admit but for the first half of the year I pretended to be married. We were in a live in seperation because he just wouldn’t leave and finally I just couldn’t stay.
In the summer, I had my daughter. I still couldn’t deal with anything other than caring for my newborn and my children. I put on a brave face and just started to heal.
The road has been arduous. I’ve gone back and forth. I’ve cursed the fates. I’ve doubted my purpose. I’ve stared down the crossroads of this treacherous new path with fear and trepidation.
Then one day it just clicked and I started working out. I got under the bar for the first time in 10 years. That was the moment that I found my confidence. It was that moment I found my strength.
It was then that I decided I don’t need a New Year’s Resolution to change. I have to make the change. I have to decide I’m ready for a healthier me. Even more important is that we value everything but our own health as Latinos. I realized I am not the best version of myself.
This blog was meant to chronicle my life as a Texan. I think it’s time to renew that passion. Because, sometimes life is about getting back to the things that originally made me happy instead of chasing and comparing myself to others. It is time to redefine myself and this is the place for that. I may grow as a person, as a business owner, and a mother but ultimately I just want to heal.
2015 seems like a good place to start because we should always think “Do it for You”.